If you thought Sensei Segal’s recent demonstration was a masterful display of martial arts ineptitude, just wait until you see this.
Posted on r/mma earlier this morning, the GIF you are about to gaze upon with your eyeballs is not only the clear frontrunner for “MMA GIF of the Year” at this year’s Potato Awards, but should sweep the “Steve Nelmark Memorial ‘Is (s)he Dead?’ Award”, “MMA Fail of the Year”, and “Most Embarrassing Knockout of the Year” categories as well. Come to think of it, it will probably take home the “Greatest Unsanctioned Fight of the Year” prize too, because there is no way on God’s green earth that the fight captured in this gif was sanctioned by any athletic commission ever. It is truly one of the most laughable, horrific, captivating, and heartbreakingly sad 5-second animated images you will ever see, and I say that with absolutely zero hyperbole.
(Fair warning: The gif may take a few seconds to adjust resolution. For a full-size gif of the action, either click on the image or go here).
You know, after watching this gif a couple dozen times and passing out twice from lack of oxygen, I am suddenly struck by a sudden, overwhelming sense of shame and regret. Like eating an entire bowl of cookie dough, what started out as a incredibly satisfying endeavor has quickly devolved into a study in self-loathing that multiplies tenfold with each spoonful I cram into my foodhole. Either this GIF is so hysterical that it has caused me to blow a funny fuse, or the moral implications of what I’ve just witnessed have just now begun to seep into my conscience. God, I hope it’s the former.
How can something like this even be allowed to happen in 2015? It would be like going into the doctor’s office with a flu and having him prescribe you a dozen leeches as treatment.
Was the blonde woman plucked from the street on the way to pick up her kids from soccer practice and told that she would receive a bottle of Chardonnay for each second she lasted in the cage?
Did she think that *this* was what hot yoga was? Crossfit, maybe?
Or was this, as I suspect, the abhorrent and inevitable culmination of a deeply depressed suburban housewife going through a midlife crisis? “I AM strong, Gary, and I’ll show you, your mother, the maid who I *know* you’re sleeping with…I’ll show everybody!!”
LOOK AT WHAT SHE’S WEARING FOR FIGHT ATTIRE, YOU GUYS.
I am exhausted. Goodnight.
[UPDATE]
Upon further research, I have learned that the blonde woman is question is not a random soccer mom picked from the streets, but Katie Castro, an actual MMA fighter who, according to her Sherdog profile, has competed three times as a “professional” (with zero amateur fights) and suffered three consecutive KO losses in a combined time of 54 seconds. This gif is actually taken from her most recent performance in January — a 10-second shellacking at the hands of Ilima-Lei Macfarlane, who was making her pro debut. A full video of the fight is below.
The organization that would allow this massacre to happen? That would be Xplode Fight Series, of course, aka the only organization shameless and reckless enough to proudly don “Tomato Can MMA” banners across their ring while sanctioning disgracefully mismatched fights to pad certain fighter’s records.
While everyone involved in this match — from the audience to Katie’s trainers (especially Katie’s trainers) — should be ashamed of themselves, I think we can all agree that now is the time to write in to our local representatives and urge them to shut these assholes down/bring their promoters in on criminal charges. That’s Xplode Fight Series, owned and operated by Gregg Sharp and based in Chula Vista, CA. Feel free to spam their Facebook page here in the meantime.