Which MMA Fighter Will Test Positive For Steroids Next? A Completely Speculative Investigation

(via Getty)

The past few weeks have been a trying time to be an MMA fan, with random drug tests nailing Anderson Silva (smh), Hector Lombard (could have seen it coming), and Jon Fitch (wah?!) for various types of performance enhancers. MMA has always had something of a drug problem, but 2015 has brought that issue to the forefront with a resounding injection to the buttocks. Worse yet, the UFC’s decision to recently abandon their out-of-competition drug testing program indicates that the sport’s steroid epidemic will only get worse before it gets better.

The question now becomes: Where do we go from here? Well, I’ve talked it over with my highly-dedicated blogging team of less than two people, and the best thing we could think of was to lob a bunch of biased and completely ungrounded accusations at the select group of MMA fighters who’ve yet to test positive for anabolic steroids. F*ck yeah, internet writing!

So without further adieu, join us as we take a look ahead at the hulked-out future of mixed martial arts, and more specifically, which of its fighters will most likely be popped for PED’s.

The Usual Suspects

Vitor Belfort

Remember how I just said that we would only focus on fighters who *hadn’t* tested positive for steroids before? I lied.

The fact is, Belfort has pissed hot in the past — for 4-hydroxytestosterone following his fight with Dan Henderson at Pride 32 — and experienced a highly suspect career resurgence after jumping on the TRT train back in 2013. Although Belfort has vehemently denied abusing TRT and stated that he only used it to maintain normal testosterone levels, he  also managed to transition off the therapy almost seamlessly in the time since. With his title shot against Chris Weidman having been pushed off half a dozen times now, #TheTimeIsRunningOut on Belfort’s vitality as a top-level fighter. If he’s resorted to the juice in the past, our guess is that he’d be willing to do it again.

Rafael Cavalcante

Like Belfort, “Feijao” has also tested positive for steroids in the past. In his final Strikeforce appearance, Cavalcante tested positive for stanozolol following his first rounds submission win over Mike Kyle. He was punished for this by being signed by the UFC. Cavalcante has also dropped two out of his past three UFC fights, meaning that he is in dire need of a win if he is to continue fighting for the Ultimate Roided Fucking Killers League. So what’s he supposed to do? *Not* take steroids, lose his next fight, and receive his pink slip, or take steroids, win the fight, and apologize afterward as a still-current UFC employee? The solution is obvious.

You Know What, Every Black House Fighter

Here’s what we know: Three Black House fighters have tested positive for steroids in the past seven months. The man pictured above is their strength and conditioning coach. He is 57 years old.

The Questionable Physiques

Phil Davis

Just look at that cartoonishly shaped torso. Phil Davis is sculpted like a Greek statue, and we don’t buy for a second that he achieved it naturally. “Mr. Wonderful?” More like “Mr. ROID-derful.” #NailedIt

Todd Duffee

No further comment required.

Thiago Alves

Not only is Thiago Alves the buffest welterweight of all time, but in his most recent fight, he dispatched Jordan Meina kickboxer since age 11 — with ONE KICK. How’d he do it? Roids. The answer is clearly roids.

Mirko Cro Cop

According to our diligent research, this photo of Mirko Cro Cop was taken last week and has not been altered in any way, shape, or form. Expect to hear word of his positive test shortly after he dispatches Gabe Gonzaga via nuclear holocaust in April.

Cheick Kongo

Cheick Kongo has pectorals the size of dinner plates and a history of using dirty tactics to win fights. By that logic, why *wouldn’t* he resort to the dirtiest tactic of all to win a few more? Daddy needs all those Bellator dollars to support his crippling addiction to Rocky Mountain oysters.

On the “next page” we take aim at some of the sport’s champions, as well as some of the less obvious (but totally obvious to us) roid heads currently slipping under the radar…

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